This vlog is both my favorite and least favorite so far.
It’s my favorite because it covers one of the most intense parts of my experience, and there is something cathartic about sharing these moments with others. Even though this is probably the darkest material I’ve delved into so far, it was really fun to write. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, because I replayed what I could remember from that day over and over again in my head in the days that followed. I feel these actors conveyed the story with such truth (which is good, because these people were some of my favorite and most important on my journey). There are a lot of reasons it’s my favorite.
It’s my least favorite because I’m fat.
This is a very common side effect of the kind of chemo I had, and for me it’s been the hardest. Since beginning treatment I’ve put on more than twenty pounds. I love filming the vlogs, but lately every time I look at an entry all I can see are double chins and lack of waistline.
The thing is, I used to be a Size 0. I used to be a Size 0, and I lived on Nutella and processed crap, and I almost never exercised, and I was still a Size 0. I know. You hate past me. I do too. Don’t worry, she gets her comeuppance! She has cancer! And wears a size 6...
Let me be clear: ain’t nothin’ wrong with a Size 6. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a Size 16. Beauty comes in every size.
However, there is something wrong with a Size 6 wearing her old Size 0 clothing. It ain’t pretty. Nothing fits. I look terrible in everything I own. Even the things I can squeeze myself into don’t feel right.
Right after my diagnosis, this was how my world felt. I was the same person, in the same body, with the same job and the same friends—but things didn’t seem to fit, in the way they once had.
It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. The Caterpillar says to Alice, “Who are you?” and she explains that she really doesn’t know, for one thing, she can’t stay the same size for ten minutes all together. (I can relate). For a while after my diagnosis, I didn’t feel like my life was my own, and I worried I would eventually lose a part of who I was (Little did I know I wouldn’t lose, but gain!)
Like Alice, I met a lot of incredible characters all of whom gave me advice and choices and directions, but at the end of the day the decisions were up to me. I had to choose the right path to take, and even now, as I’m about to wake up from Cancerland, I can’t be sure I made the right choices.
I am told that when I’m done with treatment my body will begin to “get back to normal.” I’m young, so I should have no problem rebounding… But I don’t know. I mean, do you think life was the same for Alice after Wonderland?
This is my favorite vlog and this is my least favorite vlog because this is the moment I fell down the rabbit hole. The journey has had highs and lows, favorites and…un-favorites and I think this vlog shows those contradictions—the beauty of a moment where we choose to laugh through our tears, and the unfortunate way I look with florescent overhead lighting.